Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.