“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
any last words?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food