The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
notice
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner