You Might Also Like
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
🛁
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
choose your gary
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.