I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.