It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My first child will be named New Folder.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO