How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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War & Peace
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
time for some seasonal decor
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.