I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.