You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok