Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Best seat on the street 😍
Saturday
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.