Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.