Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
HERE’S MARKY
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!