“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.