[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
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Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*checks Timeline*…
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.