you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.