UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
What’s so funny?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“What movie?” 🤔
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job