Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*