Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
What personal space?
My dog
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner