This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?