You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I can also cook 😂
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
consequences, the bane of my existence
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.