[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.