When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
OH. COME. ON.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.