Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
People buying plungers never look happy.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!