If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life