[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The Backseat Boys
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on