Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse