[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT