What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me, too, girl. me, too.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?