The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“