[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”