been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Perfect.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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