Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My dog learned how to text
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“what that mouth do?” complain
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off