Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
me after eating Cheetos
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
is this a warning or an offer?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.