Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
what the hell pray for carter everyone
それは草
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating