Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
*pokes sex life with a stick
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”