The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
🤣😂🤣
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.