Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.