The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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peep davidson
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?