I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Saw online –
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely