Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.