N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice