*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Nice try Hitler
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Perfect.