My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Bootstraps
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The options really are this bad
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride