You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
#polloftheday
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.