Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.