Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Whoa 😂
wut hotdog?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.