yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.