My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.