Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday