[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Festive toon…
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
he’s doing your taxes
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
White parent Vs Arab parents
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers